Leaving your baby for the first time is a huge milestone for a new mama, but it’s also a pretty tough one to handle — especially if you have a baby who screams and cries at the top of their little lungs as soon as you leave the room. It’s a brutal pull at the heartstrings and it might cause you to wonder, Is this normal behavior? And how are you supposed to, well, get things done?
The good news: Yes, the screaming is normal. It’s called separation anxiety in babies, and it’s very common. And, yes, you will be able to leave the room (and house) again. Your baby’s anxiety is merely a temporary hiccup in their development. So how do you handle this important milestone in your baby’s life? Read on to learn more about separation anxiety in infants and how you can handle it like a champ.
When does separation anxiety in babies start?
Separation anxiety in your baby starts basically because they’re getting smarter. It typically occurs in most babies between 6 to 8 months old when they realize that they are independent of you. Prior to that, they don’t see you or another caregiver as separate from themselves, so they’re easy peasy with just about everyone. But as soon as they hit that 6- or 8-month mark, your baby starts to realize, “Hey, wait a minute. I understand who my parents are, and I understand they’re still around even when I can’t see them.”
This is them learning the concept called object permanence, a term that means your baby knows that objects and people exist even if they’re not in the same room. When you factor in that your baby is also learning emotional attachment — and they don’t know if you’re leaving the room for five minutes or forever — you’ve got the perfect concoction for separation anxiety, a.k.a. lots of crying.
Why does separation anxiety in babies happen?
It’s the uncertainty that mostly triggers your baby’s sense of security. They start to feel vulnerable and unsafe. So that’s why they cry when you tuck them in at night, leave the bedroom for a few minutes to fold some laundry, or even attempt to leave the house for a bit. A strange environment and person can also make their separation anxiety worse. Imagine not knowing when your most prized person is coming back and having them leave you with a stranger in a strange place? No wonder there’s a lot of waterworks.
Separation anxiety can even happen when your child is just separated from the parent they see the most (often the breastfeeding mother). So don’t worry if your kid cries when they see you instead of Mama — it’s nothing personal.
But can it be a good thing?
While it doesn’t initially appear to be a “good” thing, you can look at separation anxiety as a little point of pride. It’s a sign that your precious one is growing up! Separation anxiety is a milestone in your baby’s development, even if it might not feel as exciting as when they start walking. You can rest assured that your child is not only growing and developing normally but also connecting and bonding with you. Remember: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
What are some tips for getting through this phase?
Your baby’s cries might cause you to think twice about going out for a much-needed girls’ night or even grocery shopping. However, it shouldn’t stop you from living your life. Giving in will only make it more difficult for your kid to learn how to be on their own without you. So if you want to leave the house before they turn 18, here are a few hacks for handling your little one’s separation anxiety.
- Play peek-a-boo. This is a fun game, obviously, but it’s also one that has a lot of meaning. Playing peek-a-boo helps babies realize that things (and people) go away but do come back.
- Mean what you say. Babies have a spidey sense when it comes to big little lies. So if you’re going to say good night to your baby at night, or say “bye-bye” when you leave a room, mean it. Don’t come in a few seconds later after your baby cries. Stick to “say what you mean, and mean what you say,” which helps instill consistency with your baby and allows them to slowly accept your absence.
- Develop a nighttime routine. A great way for your baby to get used to you being away is establishing a nighttime routine that is calming and soothing for them as well as prepares for the eventual separation when they go to bed. This might include bath time, cuddles, and a bedtime story… followed by a firm good night.
- Keep calm and mama on. When your baby cries, you might cry. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you human! Babies tend to feed off of our emotions, though, so you getting upset may trigger them getting more upset. It’ll probably break your heart a little (also a totally human reaction), but stay firm and tell them, “Bye-bye for now.”
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